Basta's Luck
by Sword Pen
Summary: This is what comes of getting high on chocolate. Between Mary Sues, selfinserts, driving lessons, and family visits, Basta may be losing his mind... Written in the spirit of Credit for Capricorn, rated for language. No Flames, Basta might get scared...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I no own, you no sue.

**A/N:** This story came to me while I was high on chocolate. This particular chapter was born after I read some REALLY BAD Harry Potter Mary Sues. I had to get out my frustration, and I don't flame, so... twisted Inkheart fics!

**Dedictaion: **To the usual crowd: Kelley, Clari, and Elvie. (No, those are not their real names.)

**On the Ladder Joke:** If you've read "Credit for Capricorn", you'll get the thing about the REALLY BIG ladder. Yes, this is advertisement, so go read it! After you've reviewd this, of course...

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**Basta's Luck: Of Missing Knives and Mary Sues**

It was a dark, and stormy day. A silent village was illuminated by lightning striking in the background. An ominous gust of wind snapped the creaking shutters.

On the fearsome, deserted path stood Capricorn's most fearsome henchman, knife in hand, wearing an expression of fearsome… annoyance.

_Shit_, thought Basta, _I don't have time for this._ A new girl was walking up the main road of Capricorn's village.

Normally, he was happier than anyone to spend the day hanging out with a few hot girls, but this creature couldn't exactly be called _human_.

Her skin was rich and creamy and her hair was ebony tinged with a slight sheen of lavender. How she managed to look comfortable in her designer spaghetti top and floaty periwinkle skirt on a rainy day in the middle of Italy, we will never know.

The author, who has been slightly affected by this Mary Sue and will now randomly switch persons, debated between tormenting the poor, helpless knife maniac and killing her outright.

Tormenting the helpless knife maniac won out.

"Hi," the goddess said in a voice of breathtaking mystique, " im Shonara Lorelei Summer Autumn Kristina Bradley Stevenson and I'm the new gurlfriend of every guy in ink heart and in a pathetic atemt to sho evree one how humble I'm, can I hav ur atagraph?"

Basta tried to work out what she was saying. Mary-Sue-ish had never been his strong point. Finally, he got a vague meaning from of the gibberish.

"If you don't get away from right now, I will carve it into you with this knife! It was here a minute ago…"

While Basta was occupied searching for his most treasured possession, Shonara Lorelei Summer Autumn Kristina Bradley Stevenson decide that her dream of starring in a FanFic filled with angst, drama, and passionate romance was not being realized quickly enough.

"I thot i culd change u bubt I ca'nt! Im sorreee, but our reelatshunship will never werk out i'm going to lok 4 Farid!"

The gorgeous, perfect, and ever-dramatic diva fled the scene in tears while the bewildered black jacket was still trying to work out what she'd been sobbing. How her alluring and expertly applied makeup managed to stay intact, we shall never know.

"Most FanGirls go for Farid, anyway," remarked Dustfinger, who had suddenly appeared based on the simple fact that I can't seem to write a fic without my darling Dustbunny.

"But this is Pre-Inkheart, so there is no Farid," Basta reminded him.

"Timing never was a Mary Sue's strong point."

"I see." They stood there in awkward silence most likely generated by the fact that they were long-time mortal enemies who were only speaking civilly with each other because a chocolate-high American thought it was mildly entertaining.

"So are any more loathsome creatures from the deep on my agenda today?" asked Basta, in a half-hearted attempt to break the silence.

Dustfinger seemed to take this question very seriously.

"Well this story IS being written by a Dustfinger FanGirl, and it IS your fault that I die in Inkspell…"

"It's not my fault that you die!" Basta ignored the minor detail that neither he nor Dustfinger had the slightest idea what they were talking about. "You didn't have to be all melodramatic and give your life up for Farid!"

"I thought we just established that this is Pre-Inkheart, and therefore, there is no Farid."

"And no one calls Dustfinger melodramatic!" I added as an afterthought. This was about when I decided to go looking for a really BIG ladder…

Cursing, Basta ran for home, found a black cat in his path, and took the long way, cursing some more. Mo may think that fear kills everything, but it's my personal opinion that certain creativities are not impaired…

He barricaded himself inside and whipped out his _Handy Dandy Index for the Prevention of and Protection Against Bad Luck_. Normally, Basta couldn't read, but this was a desperate situation.

He didn't expect it to be there but… there it was! Section Seven: "Higher Powers". Basta flipped rapidly to chapter 479. Why a man who normally couldn't read carried around a 947 chapter book, we shall never know.

_Chapter 479: "What to do if a FanFiction Author is Messing with Your Luck"_

_You're doomed, sucker. There's absolutely nothing you can do._

"Shit."

Basta slammed the heavy tome shut with a sigh. He was in for a long week.

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**A/N: **I may be taking suggestions, so if you've got anything besides weddings, family reunions, Mary Sues, self-inserts and driving lessons, come forward. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Cornelia owns the charries, don't blame her for what I've done with them... As always, I own the ladder. I also own Mortola's camera and Capricorn's five inch heels.

**A/N: **Thank-you to all you wonderful reviewers, you guys made me update. It was candy canes this time. ;) I know this chappie's a little late.

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**Happy New Year, From Our Sadists to Yours**

"I think we should ring in the New Year with _style_!" Capricorn's colorless eyes gleamed with excitement.

His men looked uneasy, probably wondering what was the matter with him. They had no way of knowing that he had found Sword Pen's old candy canes. If they had, they might have been slightly more worried.

_Style?_ Something told Basta that this did not bode well, but if it meant getting rid of Capricorn's low-riders and five inch heels, he was up for it.

"We need to DECORATE!"

_So much for improved fashion sense._ Basta could hear Capricorn's next words coming before he said them…

"Basta, you're in charge."

Translation: "Everyone stand around and get drunk while Basta fools with banners, sparkles, and Capricorn's hot pink snakeskin handbag."

Translator's Note: Scratch that last… or not…

OoooOooO

Standing on a ladder attempting to string a banner between two crumbling village houses had not been the rabid dog's first choice of holiday cheer… especially not since the last two ladder incidents…

Pushing the traumatizing thoughts from his mind, he reminded himself too late to _fasten_, not _cut_, which may or may not have been a hard thing for our favorite knife maniac to do…

_Almost there_… the knot slipped from his fingers and he heard the sound of hysterical laughter behind him.

He turned, forgetting that turning while standing on a ladder is a very precarious thing to do.

The young woman sitting on the stone wall could only be (and was) the fanfic author.

Don't ask how he knew this.

He was psychic.

That… or it was the white "I LOVE DUSTBUNNY!" T-shirt underneath her black jacket.

He glared. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

She sighed. "Three things: A: You have no idea how old I am. B: Is this actually coming form the man who can't read? And C: I'm sure you're _well aware_ that it's New Year's!"

She dissolved into hysteria again.

Basta groaned. "Yes, I am well aware that it's New Year's, now what the hell's your problem?"

Penny's eyes welled with tears. Hey, no one can self-insert without a bit of Dramatic!Angst…

"My forums are dying and all my Inkheart fanfics are second-page! Basically, my life sucks and watching you put up holiday decorations is the only pleasure I have in the world…

…By the way, you're putting up my 'I LOVE DUSTBUNNY!' banner."

Basta hurriedly ditched the banner, but was fairly certain that Mortola had seen him holding it. To this day, Basta is intimidated by Mortola.

Ignoring Penny's mutterings about property damage, he reached for a different piece of cloth.

"That's my 'ERIK IS HOT!' banner."

A random black jacket named Erik happened to look Basta's way at that moment in time.

"Shit," Basta muttered. "Why does he have to be the only black jacket who can read?"

He held up another one.

Penny grinned. "That will do nicely."

"I thought the boss said something about _style_," he mumbled.

"And that's coming from _you_?"

"Are you trying to say that anyone who dresses like me is fashion challenged?" he asked, feeling he had won this battle.

The authoress looked down at her black jacket, black pants, and white shirt momentarily confused. Her eyes narrowed.

Basta found himself flat on his back with polished wooden rungs hurtling toward his face. "Shit."

OooOooO

"What am I supposed to write? 'Happy New Year from Our Sadists to Yours'?"

Flatnose's voice reached Basta's ears. He appeared to be arguing with Capricorn over… greetings cards?

"Don't be ridiculous!" Capricorn cried. He spotted Basta lying on the ground. "Just the person for the job! Basta can send cards and you can hang the banners!"

_Cards?_ Basta backed away. "I'm only literate in emergencies."

Capricorn frowned, apparently considering this. "If you don't write those cards, I will personally disembowel you, burn your entrails, and release the photos Mortola took earlier today."

The black jacket gulped. "Point taken." He thought a moment. "Most of the people in my address book don't have mail boxes anymore."

"Just do your best." With a large grin that convinced Basta that he had been reading _Kindergarten Teacher's Weekly_, the Evil Mastermind departed bouncily to see to the rest of his Evil Plans.

"This is stupid," Flatnose whined in a voice that convinced Basta he had been reading _Kindergarten Student's Weekly_, a very rarely _read_ publication…

"Two things," he growled. "A: Don't question Capricorn. B: You're right."

OooOoOO

Finishing the last of the cards, Basta attempted to slink away.

"Not so fast!" Capricorn called, gnawing a candy cane. "It's time for Valentine's Day! We have to stay ahead of the local department stores!"

Groaning, Basta started on the homemade Valentines.

In the distance, random black jackets partied under a banner that read:

"**All You _Warriors_ Fans, Read Lord of the Bees's Fics Today! (She's New!)"**

And another that said:

"**For More Randomness, R&R 'Credit for Capricorn' and 'So Last Century'!"**

How's that for aggressive advertising?

OooOoOoO

New Year's Day:

Several miles away, a very puzzled Dustfinger opened his non-existent mailbox to find a card that read:

Happy New Year from Our Sadists to Yours!

Love, Capricorn, Basta, & co.

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**A/N: **Lord of the Bees can be found in my favs, please check out her work... she only has 2 reviews :( And don't forget to review mine. Wow, I rambled! Donations of sugaralways welcome! 


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